Failed Pregnancy Test

Due to the inability to say NO to my good friends, I have recently been roped in to becoming a test subject for grad students at ASU. These students are working on their MS in Nutrition and are doing a study on food and the relationship to activity levels (at least I think that's it.) I received an email from the advisor of the program begging for test subjects so that her students can graduate. Knowing that I can help someone further their education and get benefits from it sounded like a good idea to me.

The perks of the study allow you to get all of these really expensive tests done for free and they give you the read outs of your tests. One such test is a full body scan where they can tell things such as bone density, size of your bones, what your body fat percentage it (OK, I could TOTALLY do w/out this), etc. However, you CAN NOT be pregnant and have this test done as an x-ray like machine scans your entire body. Therefore, all females in the study must take a pregnancy test to prove they are not with child. I was no exception.

After having my height and weight taken, I was handed a little plastic pouch containing a pregnancy test inside. No directions mind you, just the verbal of "pee on the stick." OK, sounds easy enough - I can do this. Off to the bathroom I go, test in hand, and a bladder ready to burst. I urinate like no body's business all over the stick. I wait...I wait some more...a little bit longer and when nothing seems to be happening I decide to wash and dry myself and ask them if there is something I have done wrong. I walk outside the bathroom, stick in hand, and declare that nothing seems to be changing - no lines - thus I'm not sure if I used the right test procedure. The advisor of the students looks at me and says, "Oh, um you have to pull the purple part of the stick off and pee on the little white test strip." Are you freaking kidding me? So, of course I feel like a complete nimrod, but how the hell was I supposed to know? No directions, haven't taken a pregnancy test EVER in my life, and now I have an empty bladder.

I went back into the bathroom, gave it the ol' college try, but nothin'. After about 5 minutes of waiting, I gave up and went back outside. I told the advisor that nothing was happening therefore I wouldn't be able to give test results. However, I will attest to the fact that there is no way possible for me to be pregnant.

A signature later attesting to my claim and I am still in. Body scan done, and now I am an official guinea pig for the Nutrition Department at ASU. Lucky me...